Another Reason I Kept Quiet

There are a lot of reasons I kept quiet over the years about my sexuality. First, I didn’t want to hurt the ministry (ironically, I ended up hurting it more… but more ironically, if I had been open, the ministry probably would have never started in the first place); second, I didn’t want to lose my job; third, I was still trying to work through the issue in my own mind and wasn’t sure what to day yet; fourth, I have had some bad experiences sharing about this in the past; fifth, I was never sure that it was anyone else’s business what my sexuality was.

People say they felt “deceived” because they did not know I was gay, but I am not sure that there is an obligation to reveal one’s sexual orientation to anyone unless you want to — not sure that counts as deception. I had close friends who always knew, tried to hold me accountable, etc.  Yes, I messed up, but that wasn’t their fault.

But there was a sixth reason too… and perhaps it was the most powerful one. I never wanted it to distract from ministry, become my identity, and become “my issue” — and I knew (suspected) that if people knew, it would.

As a leader, I was never very comfortable in the limelight or being the focus. That s just my personality. I loved teaching/preaching and think that I got pretty good at it. I think I learned to be an effective upfront communicator and leader. But that was never something I sought, wanted, or particularly enjoyed. 

I was much happier sitting around the conference table in my office with other leaders praying. strategizing, planning, dreaming, and problem-solving. I was much happier having 1-on-1 dream sessions, discipleship times, spiritual direction, etc, with people.  I loved it when others were upfront, when others got the recognition — and always when Jesus got the credit and the glory.

One of the reasons we built a teaching team from the get-go was because I never wanted the church to have one voice, be personality-driven, or be about me.

One of the few good things that has come out of the past year is the reality that it was never about me at all.  The church has done fine without me. And in some ways, has grown and is healthier than ever — and in ways that I probably couldn’t have led it to.

All to say I never wanted it to be about me.  And revealing that I was gay would have drawn much more focus to me than I wanted. It would have distracted from the real mission of the church.  No matter how it played out, it would have become part of my public identity and “cause” — either as the Jewish, evangelical, ex-Gay pastor or the Jewish, evangelical, gay pastor… either way, something I wanted nothing to do with.

Part of the nature of ministry is that we BECOME LESS that HE BECOMES MORE.  And we serve others, without any need or expectation to served back.  My issues, my problems, my needs… only would distract from the real work of the church.

So I kept i quiet… between me, a few close friends, and Jesus.

And Jesus knew everything… my struggles, my failures, my dreams, my fantasies, my everything.

And He still woke me up every day and called me to work for Him in His church.

So I did.

Now in retrospect, the attention that revelation would have drawn was probably a necessary evil in what would have overall been a better thing (I think).  I have no idea how it would have played out, and ultimately suspect it would have meant leaving the ministry anyway… and am pretty sure that I if I had revealed before the church started, it wouldn’t have started… but maybe those are risks I should have taken.

To be honest, I always felt like I was in a no-win situation. 

But I also have learned that allowing myself to be human — and have struggles, bad days, etc — is important. I should have been more open with all of that… even if meant more attention on me than I ever wanted.

All I have ever wanted to do since I became a Christ-follower when I was 17 years old is LOVE & SERVE GOD, LOVE & SERVE OTHER PEOPLE, POINT PEOPLE TO JESUS, and help make the world a better place. 

That is it.

I pray that will always be it.

Nothing more… or less.