BEN DUBOW

Running the Way

Fear & Grace

Even though I have been brutally honest about my life on this blog and in my personal relationships, there are still times when I have some fear about sharing my situation with people. One of these times happened pretty recently. As many of you kn…

Even though I have been brutally honest about my life on this blog and in my personal relationships, there are still times when I have some fear about sharing my situation with people.

One of these times happened pretty recently.

As many of you know, I am in a Men’s Small Group focused on issues of purity, accountability and integrity. It is a great small group. The group uses the Pure Desire ministry model.

In this group, we pretty much share everything with each other. Marriage struggles, sexual issues, issues with porn, sexual hang-ups and sins, confession, etc. For a lot of guys, it is the only place that they can be open and honest about these issues — and many travel quite a distance to get to the group because their churches won’t touch these issues with a ten foot pole.

All the guys in the group, except me, are straight and married. We are all pretty conservative Christians.

Every few months — especially as new guys join — we will take a night to share our personal stories and sexual histories. For most of the guys, this is the most honest and vulnerable that they have ever been about these issues. 

While there are some remarkable common factors to all the stories (early exposure to porn, often some abuse, use of the internet, etc), every story is also unique. 

I have to confess that every time I have had to share my story, I go in with some fear and anxiety. As open about my own life as I have become, it is still hard to sit in a room with a bunch of straight, married, conservative Christian guys talking about sex and say “by the way, I am gay…”

I just never know how the new guys will respond to that… will they judge? condemn? distance themselves from me? shut down? kick me out?

I never know…

And yet, every time, the experience is filled with GRACE — and that is a good (and God) thing.

One response

  1. Ben D. Avatar
    Ben D.

    <p>Hey Tim</p><p>That is a very good question and one I had to think about a bit before answering.</p><p>In sense, yeah it is my comfort zone… yet in other ways not. In the past I was pretty comfortable with that kind of group, but also was pretty hidden — so I was comfortable while hiding. There were always a handful of guys who knew my deal, but for most part not.</p><p>I also have always had gay friends, etc — even had some two great roommates who were gay. So I have had a relative comfort level with the gay community since college. I know a lot of folks who grew up in conservative Christian settings would have been pretty isolated from such groups. But I grew up in a liberal Jewish family where homosexuality was a complete non-issue and even as a Conservative Christian myself — and dealing with all my own issues — I never judged or condemned LGBT folks and happily reached out in friendship.</p><p>However, now I am definitely adjusting a bit to being totally open. There is a difference between when I interact with gay Christians and with gay non-Christians. The non-Christians generally think I am crazy for trying to stay a "church person" — but with the Christians there is an instant fellowship/understanding and common experience that many share.</p><p>So far I have found two or three gay friends who are Christians whom I can really share with openly about struggles, issues, questions, etc. I feel pretty blessed to have that — though only one lives locally and I see face-to-face. He is older and, at least with these issues, much wiser — and a real blessing. Another guy has been a friend for years and we have traveled this journey together — at times perpendicular and other times parallel, but together nonetheless. And the third guy I met through the Gay Christian Network and we email pretty regularly — he is a great challenge and encouragement to me. So in all that, I am blessed.</p><p>I have to think a bit more about how I would react in a "gay accountability" group… I think it would be a good thing, but definitely not in my comfort zone yet.</p><p>Thanks for the thought-provoking question.., I am going to keep thinking about it.</p><p>BD</p>

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