Dear Jesus…

Dear Jesus,

I want to thank you for the gifts you have given me — but if it is okay with you, I would like to exchange them.  And if I can’t exchange them, at least give them back so maybe you could pass them on to someone else.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful for these gifts, but to be honest, it is not worth it to me.

You have given me gifts of leadership, communication, teaching, preaching, vision.  When living in those gifts and using then for you, I have never been more engaged or alive.  And by your grace, I hope maybe some good — a few people — were impacted by them.  I pray that maybe I have done more good than bad with them.  But I really don’t want them anymore.  As I said, it is not worth it.

You know I have struggled with this issue the last few months — wondering what I am supposed to do with these gifts you have given me.  Gifts you gave me despite knowing my situation.  But I have been reminded of some things recently that I think are probably true… 

You know my story.  You know what happened.  And I know you weren’t surprised by it and that you have forgiven me for it all.  And for that I will never be able to thank you enough or repay you.

One of the things that I am told is that the reason there is no grace for me, the reason many (not all) won’t forgive me, the reason there are no second chances and the reason that I have to be removed from my church family permanently is because I was in leadership.  Apparently, if I wasn’t in leadership it wouldn’t have been a big problem… there would have been grace, I would still have a church family, etc.

I understand that.

But if being a leader means all that, then I really don’t want to do it anymore.

You know that my only dream was to be part of an Acts 2 community.  I (still) believe that it is as possible today as ever. You know my holy discontent… my passion for your church. All I have ever wanted was to be part of that kind of community — a real church family — where everyone was able to use their gifts… whatever those gifts were.  The gifts you gave me were leadership and teaching, so that is what I did.

But it turns out that when you are the leader/teacher, you can’t really be part of the community.  You can’t really be friends with people.  The role becomes more important than the person. I hoped that we had something that was different… we tried to make it different… but i wasn’t. Or couldn’t be.

So as far as I can tell, in today’s context, you can’t be a leader and still be part of the community.  You can’t really be friends with people, because you are the leader.  The standards and expectations and pressures are all different, because you are the leader.

So if being a leader means not being able to be part of the church family, not having real friendships in the church, not getting the same grace that others get… then I can’t do it.  And by definition, if when you fail — or just leave — you are out of the family… and by definition is your role is more important than who you are… then the church isn’t really a place for you to be part of a church, but just to facilitate others being part of church. And that was never my dream… 

Some say it has to be that way… leaders are bigger than life… it is the only way.  Well, I never asked for that and I don’t want it. 

And I can’t do it.

I can’t do it, frankly, because it is an impossible position to do without being part of the family, without the friendships, without the grace.  And I won’t do it because it isn’t worth the cost.

So, unless you tell me otherwise, I will not lead again.  I will take any other gifts you want to give me.  But these, I need to give back to you.

Thanks for understanding… and I am sorry I could not do better with what you gave me.

Love Always,

Your Child,

Ben