I’m Not Interested in the Right Answers Anymore

For 17 years, as a follower of Jesus who was also gay (and in full time ministry for a lot of that time), I was pretty committed to making sure I had the right answers when people asked.  In terms of homosexuality in particular, I pretty much toed the “party line” in terms of evangelical theological conviction.  I did this mostly because I had to… to survive in what I felt I was called to do — be a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ — and to do so in the environment I felt called to do it in (evangelicalism). I knew I needed the right answers.

This was comforting to people.  When I would share about my issue, I always followed up with the right answers and people felt better.  I am sure for some people who suspected that I was gay and for them hearing the right answers was also comforting.

What is interesting is that now that I am “out”, people still want to hear the right answers.  And there are different sides of the issue and I get pressure from both sides to “get the right answer.”  I also know that their are people who parse every word on this blog, checking to make sure my theology is in line.  

You may have noticed (if you have been reading for a while) that I have been purposefully fairly coy about some issues.  What “side” have I chosen (A, B, X)? What are my theological convictions about certain things, etc?

Why?

Because I am no longer interested in just saying the right answers anymore.

I have to be perfectly honest with you… as honest and open as I have been on this blog and with many of you in person, I honestly don’t think anyone can fully appreciate the pain, turmoil, sense of loss, confusion, mourning, or emotional toll that the last 6 months have been.  The tremendous loss… dealing with a sexual addiction (and even using that language), losing all my closest friendships, being kicked out of my church family… let alone trying to really deal with the reality of being a follower of Jesus who is gay.  Dealing with years of self-loathing, denial, hiding, and lying.  I could go on… but I think you get the point.

So given all of that, I am not really interested in playing games anymore or trying to make sure I get the “right answers” to satisfy my critics, my fans, or anyone else.

The truth is that this is a journey — and a really hard one at that.  And it is a journey, frankly, that I do not know how it will all end.

So please understand… I am not interested in choosing sides or debating issues.  I am not interested in any broader agenda.  And I am certainly not interested in “right answers.”

Here is what I am interested in… TRUTH.

What else?

Knowing and loving Jesus.

Being known and loved by Jesus.

Being part of a community of faith that is OK with the idea of who I am right now and that I don’t have all the answers yet.

Being faithful and obedient to Jesus today.  And tomorrow.  And the day after that too.  By His grace… because that is the only shot I’ve got at it.

Learning to love God and love people more and more every day.

So I don’t need to know where I will end up 5 years from now.  I trust that to God.  I know some people want me to say that I will be celibate the rest of my life.  Others want me to say that I will hopefully find a partner to share my life with.  Others want to hear that I am confident in change and may someday marry a woman (who could also be a partner to share my life with).

And you know what?

I’m not going to say any of those things.

I’m not going to predict the future or declare some direction.

I am OK with the process… the journey… not knowing the answer.  And you know what?  I think Jesus is OK with it too.

He is OK with it because I am following Him.  We talk every day.  He knows my inner-most thoughts.  He has forgotten my deepest sins.  He leads me beside still waters.  He whispers in my ear.  He loves me no matter what I do or have done.  He will  never leave nor forsake me.  And I will follow Him all the days of my life.

And so I keep my eyes on Jesus, who indeed is the author and perfecter of our faith… and our lives… and I throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and run with perseverance the race (journey) marked out for me… one step at a time. (Hebrews 12:1-3)

I live in the present, entrusting my past to Jesus and trusting my future to Him as well.

And so I don’t need to have any more answers today.  And I am sorry if that makes you uncomfortable or nervous or concerned.  And I am sorry if that makes it hard for you to categorize me or to use me to push some agenda.  But those things are not my concern.  Following Jesus today is… I hope you can understand that.