I’m Tired

I woke this morning at 5:45 AM.  But that is not why I am tired.

Today is a rare day for me… we just wrapped up a class at school and and the new one doesn’t start until Monday, so I have no class today.  I also am not scheduled to work today.  So that makes today a real Sabbath day… something I haven’t had enough of this Fall.

My morning was spent worshiping with 60 or 70 guys in Hartford and than getting challenged by a great message from Rev. B.J. Weber at The Hartford Society. (Quick plug: men who live in the Central/Eastern CT… you need to get connected with THS… it has been great!)

On my way into Hartford I was really struck by how tired I am.  Not from getting up early, but from the past 6 months.  I am exhausted emotionally.  And in my busyness the last couple of months, I’ve forgotten (or perhaps ignored) how exhausted I am.

As I was driving this morning I started to spontaneously cry.  (I know guys aren’t supposed to admit that kind of stuff, but I think we are beyond those kind of silly pretenses on this blog by now).  To be honest, that happened a lot this summer… multiple times a day through most of June… then less in July and August.  But it has been a while since that has happened to me.

Nothing really triggered it… or maybe everything triggered it. Who knows?

For the most part, given everything that has happened, I think I am doing pretty well.  Luckily my counselors and mentors think I am doing pretty well too, so I don’t think it is just delusion.

But I am tired.

I am tired of the heart-hurt and soul-fatigue.

I am tired of feeling so alone so often.

I am tired of the silent treatment from so many.

I am tired of waking up and thinking “man, this sucks… how can I make the best of things today given how F’ed up things are?”

I am tired of feeling like a failure… and more tired of being told I am a failure.

I am just tired.

And I think it is important to be able to say it… acknowledge it… recognize it.

Tired is not good. (Look at the FASTER scale if you don’t believe me.)

But it is.  And to pretend otherwise is bad.

I’m not worried about relapse… I am in restoration and I am good with Jesus and it’s not like I’m facing a breakdown.

I’m just tired.

Have you ever been there? Sure you have.

So what now?

There is only one thing I know to do when I am tired like this:

MATTHEW 11:28-30

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

That’s all I can do… which is good… because it is all I need…