It Is Time…

It is time for me to share publicly what happened and why I left my position as pastor.  There are a lot of rumors and untruths and even some lies that are getting thrown around out there and I figure the best way to address them is to just layout for you what happened and what the situation really is… 

So, here is what happened… as much as I can say at this time:

First, I am gay.

I have been as long as I can remember.  

Some have known over the years.  Most have not.

Within the evangelical sub-culture, it is not really something you can acknowledge… talk about… admit.

So my strategy was duck, hide, run, and deny.

It was not a good strategy.

 

While I had made a commitment to celibacy, I failed in that commitment.

I had sexual activity with someone I shouldn’t have — with someone in the congregation I led.

That is unacceptable and it is why I resigned as pastor.

It was consensual. The other person was a single adult.  He was a friend.

It was a clear violation of our community life statement and it was sin.

It was unacceptable.  I am 100% responsible and except full responsibility.

That is all I will say about that right now.

 

For most in the evangelical sub-culture, being gay is the unforgivable sin… I’ve known that for a long time.  Part of why I hid it so long.  But that is not an excuse for what I did.

So I resigned as pastor. My membership was terminated.  And I was asked to have no part of the faith community.

It should probably be noted (since this will be read by a pretty diverse group of people) that, at least from my perspective, my sin is not that I am gay.  

It is in the inappropriate things I did as a pastor… it is the sexual activity outside the boundaries of a life-long covenant relationship.  It is my failure to be honest about my own struggles.  It is my failure to live an integrated and aligned life.  

These are my sins and my failures — and I trust in the grace and cross of Jesus alone to forgive them and restore me.

 

So what am I doing now?

Well… I took a lot of time this summer to pray and reflect.  This has been the hardest period of my life that I have ever gone through.  I have a great team of people not from the church who have surrounded me and are helping me move forward.

I will be going to culinary school… working in a restaurant… and then seeing what God does.

Am I done with full time paid ministry forever?  I don’t have an answer to that.  It is really God’s call.

Am I done with ministry as a follower of Jesus Christ? Absolutely not… every follower of Jesus is called to be a minister — despite our failings and sins — and I will continue to pursue Christ and do everything I can to love God and love people.  That is the core of ministry and I am as committed to it today as ever!

Here is what I do know… I am done with the hiding-ducking-running-denying-lying strategy forever.  That I know.

Here is what else I know… I am now and will always be a follower of Jesus Christ.  That has not and will not change.

I have a lot more thoughts on all of this… and I have been journaling and writing a lot this summer.  Sometime soon I will be sharing a lot of my thoughts and process on a blog… I will keep you posted as to when that goes public.

What can you do for me now?

You can pray for me.  I really appreciate that.

You can pray for the church — I would appreciate that even more.

If you are part of the church, I ask for your forgiveness — I need that.

If you care to, I’d like to maintain friendships where I can.

Please don’t send me any well-intentioned emails or theological diatribes.
I don’t need anymore “God-hates-fags” emails.  

Just pray for me… and if it is in you, I appreciate your grace and friendship despite my failings — which indeed are many.

Under His Undeserving Mercy,

Ben