How Do You Feel?

How do you feel?

This is one of the hardest questions anyone could ever ask me. In counseling over the years when asked, I often have a relatively blank look on my face. I am not very good at being in touch with or talking about my feelings. There are a lot of reasons and I am working on it. I know it is not a good thing… so trust me I am working on it.

But given my current situation, I am being asked that a lot. How do you feel?

Now I’m not writing this so you feel badly for me… but I do covet your prayers.  More than you know.

How do I feel?

To be honest, I feel a lot of things. I feel sadness, scared, alone, ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, angry, despairing, hopeless … (maybe I am getting better at the feelings deal!) But the most dominating feeling is simply HEARTBROKEN.

I am so totally HEARTBROKEN right now and for the past 5 weeks. It is hard for me to even put words to it.

• I am heartbroken over the damage I have done to the church I love.
• I am heartbroken over all the people who will never trust me again.
• I am heartbroken over the damage done to the vision and mission of the church.
• I am heartbroken over the friendships I have destroyed.
• I am heartbroken over the stress I am causing others who have to deal with this.
• I am heartbroken over all that I have lost — ministry, friends, community, purpose, job.

But I am mostly heartbroken over the grief that I have caused my Heavenly Abba.

I am haunted by David’s words in Psalm 51: “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.”

I have sinned against and grieved my Father in Heaven and that breaks my heart.  

I have sinned against Jesus and His Body — and that breaks my heart.

I have sinned against the Holy Spirit and His temple, which is my body — and that breaks my heart.

And as I say this, you need to know I have never known what a true broken heart feels like until now.  I am in physical pain.  At times, my tears are uncontrollable.  The pain can be unbearable.

I pray daily against a spirit of self hatred.

I pray daily against a spirit of despair and hopelessness.

In my really bad moments, I curse the day God called me into ministry for it feels like I have done more harm than good.  And I pray daily against those feelings and I ask God to forgive me for them.

I pray daily against spirits of bitterness and anger.

And I pray daily for the courage to keep following my Lord and my Leader and my Friend.

How do handle it?

One of the best pieces of advice I have gotten so far is that I need smiling faces around me.  So I seek them out.  Some days they are hard to find.  But I am finding them.  I am more deeply thankful for my family than I can remember, and for old friends that I have reconnected with… and new friends I have found even in the midst of this crisis.  But I miss my best friends and I miss my community and I miss my church.  And I am heartbroken.

What else do I do?

I fight to stay human every day.

I know that sounds weird.  But this process that I am in at times is so dehumanizing and it leads you to despair.  So I fight to be human again.  I fight for small moments that cause me to smile and routines that give me a reason to get out of bed and brief respites when I can forget all that I have lost and destroyed.

In this regard family has been key.  And things like Facebook and Twitter — for they help be feel normal and connected and human.  And I need to fight for that.

How do I feel?

I feel totally HEARTBROKEN and it is 100% MY FAULT and there is NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

That’s how I am feeling these days.

So what the only thing I can do… I keep my eyes on Jesus, who is the author and perfector of my faith! (Hebrews 12:1-2).

What else is there?