BEN DUBOW

Running the Way

Thrown Out of the Closet

Eight months ago, I was thrown out of the closet. It is not that no one knew I was gay. That is not true. Both my two best friends knew and loved me anyway. A number of people I had worked with and been in ministry with knew too. Some who I never …

Eight months ago, I was thrown out of the closet.

It is not that no one knew I was gay.  That is not true.  Both my two best friends knew and loved me anyway.  A number of people I had worked with and been in ministry with knew too.  Some who I never told probably suspected.  But I was still living in the closet.

And eight months ago, the door of that closet was torn off its hinges and I was thrown out of it… and the cost has been tremendous.

But while I regret almost everything that has transpired as a result of my sin* (*note: I say this a lot, but it needs to be said often for the sake of clarity… I don’t care what other people think, but before God I know two things — one, that being gay is not a sin; and two, as a closeted gay pastor, I committed a lot of sins.  I hope you can see the distinction.) — I have no regrets about the decision I made a few weeks afterwards that I was done hiding, I was done pretending, I was done living in the closet.  I have embraced a practice of transparency… and I have no regrets about that.

And here is what I know…

– There is great freedom in a life of transparency.

– Living honestly has made me more comfortable with who I am.  I like myself more.

– I also care for myself more… diet, health, etc.  I still have a long way to go, but now I am motivated and care more.

– I am more confident socially and relationally.  Something that many people didn’t know about me is how relationally insecure I was… by God’s grace I was able to overcome it for the sake of ministry, but now I am becoming more and more secure in who I am and what God is doing in my life.

– My prayer life these days is far more natural and conversational than it has ever been.

– I am a better listener… have more compassion… and have a posture of grace towards others that comes more naturally.

– I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of… not the same as saying I have no sins or regrets… I do… but the need to hide or to cling to shame is gone.

– I am more emotionally healthy today than I have ever been.

I wish there had been another way to get here… and I believe there was… but among my regrets, pain and loss… I am glad that I am living outside the closet these days… and you couldn’t pay me enough to get back in it.

One response

  1. Ben D. Avatar
    Ben D.

    <p>Hi Anonymous</p><p>I agree with you that there are some serious systemic and cultural changes that need to take place — it is naive to think that any evangelical (especially a pastor) could come out and be honest about this issue in the current environment. In my case, at any point I would have shared it probably would have cost me my job. My only real option was not to start the church in the first place — I guess an open question as to whether or not that would have been better for the Kingdom or not… I will leave others (and ultimately God) to judge that issue.</p><p>BUT… I don’t agree this is about homophobia or hating gays… obviously I have no idea what people are saying behind closed doors — and have no doubt that there are some who have serious homophobia/hatred of gays issues — but I don’t think it is true the vast majority. I do think they have no idea how to deal with the issue or how to deal with LGBT’s — and I think it is also naive to think that my situation would be the same if it had been with a woman… but I also don’t think that is a helpful discussion at this point.</p><p>The only discussion I do think is helpful is how churches are positioning themselves to authentically love all people, to create places that welcome all people, to provide safe opportunities for people to be real… encounter God… etc etc. The truth is most gay people I know won’t go to church and I can’t really blame them. The church (universal) has a lot of work to do on this issue.</p><p>I also think that finger pointing and blaming is not very helpful. Instead, join me in praying for the LGBT community and for really great churches to figure out how to love those whom God will never stop loving — it is part of the call of what it means to be the church.</p><p>BD</p><p><i><b>P.S.</b> I also want to point out two important points… if anyone is to blame for my specific situation, it is me — on two counts. First, for my moral failings; and second, because as the leader of the church, I was the one responsible for helping create a culture that either would have been open or not… I always tried to model grace, teach grace, extend grace and tried to create an atmosphere where people could acknowledge their brokenness… obviously I failed in that. And I am to blame for that failure.</i></p>

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