I Did Nothing Wrong

I did nothing wrong.

I get a fair number of people who tell me that when they hear my story.  They understand the issues and what happened and dynamics of being gay, etc, and they say “you did nothing wrong.”

But there is another school of thought too.  Some people think I am a monster.  That I have committed the unforgivable sin.  That I should not be forgiven, should not be shown any grace or mercy and that I should be totally cut off from Christian community.

Two extremes, for sure.  And I hear them both.

I will let others offer thoughts to the second group of folks, but I want to address the first group here.

While I appreciate your intent to encourage and support me, I need to say one more time, that I did indeed do something wrong. Very wrong. Sinful. Destructive. With terrible consequences.

I have detailed pretty openly my sins and misconduct already on this blog and in writing to the Board, church membership and others involved.  But so that there is no misunderstanding or lack of clarity, I want to say it one more time here.

WHAT I DID WAS TERRIBLY WRONG.

Just a partial list of my wrongs includes:

• Sexual activity outside of a covenant marriage (Hebrews 13:4).
• Sexual activity with a member of the congregation.
• Using pornography. (Matthew 5:27-30)
• Violation of pastoral trust with that congregant and with the broader congregation.
• Misleading the congregation by hiding my sexual struggles and orientation.
• Failure as a leader to maintain standards that leaders should be held to. (1 Tim 3:1-3)
• Failure to exercise self-control. (also 1 Tim 3:1-3)
• Failing to own up to what I did on my own.

Again, that is only a partial list but each of those things is undebatably a violation of Biblical standards and would have warranted my resignation as pastor. Of all the things I did, the two I am most sorry for are the trust violation with the congregant and the trust violation with the congregation.

While I have said it before, I will say it once again: I alone am 100% responsible for the above and for my sin.  Period.  

Neither the congregant nor congregation nor broader cultural issues are to blame. I am the only one to blame in this situation.

Even more than the specific acts/sins, my guilt includes the sins of selfishness, self-centeredness, arrogance and pride. 

My sin is not being gay, nor am I ashamed of that fact.  I am not ashamed of being outed.  I hid the issue for a variety of reasons that I have written about before, but it was not out of shame.  It was more a fear of how people would respond.  I also know that I should have disclosed that information about me being gay a long time ago, no matter what the consequences, including the likely scenario of not being allowed to be a pastor.

But that issue — which is complicated and has been a difficult thing to deal with as a Christian the last 17 years — does not excuse nor change what I did and that I am guilty of serious sin.

I have also come to understand that I deal with a level of sexual addiction/compulsion as well as some narcissistic tendencies.  Without getting too into that issue — or too detailed — that has included sinful behavior over a long period of time, including the use of pornography, visiting adult bookstores, inappropriate sexual activity, and even the exchange of gifts for sexual activity.  I am not proud of any of those things and they are hard to write, but they are true.  As part of my repentance and moving forward, I have committed to full and unqualified disclosure about the nature of my sins.  I know that is a bit unusual and some will questions its wisdom, but I think it is both the right thing and a necessary thing.

Moving forward, I am committed to a life of obedience to Jesus.  That means having an intentional and serious network of accountability, continuing professional counseling to work through a number of personal issues, and living a life that is transparent and without secrets (a big part of why I am blogging).  It also means being a part of a great Men’s Small Group with other men who deal with sexual issues as well.  The group I am a part of is part of the ministry Pure Desire, and I think it is great.  You can see our weekly accountability questions here and another tool we use here.

Some will wonder why I am even posting this now… there is nothing new here.  I have said all of this many times before. But I wanted to say it again — as clearly and concisely as I can — so there is doubt that indeed, I did something very wrong.

I know I have been forgiven by Jesus.

I have finally been able to forgive myself.

I am thankful for those of you who have expressed and extended forgiveness to me.

And I humbly ask those who have not forgiven me to do so… for I am in need of your forgiveness.